Desperation

Another of those nights wherein the latter part finds me fighting to keep returning to some sleep as I await the sounding of my 6 a.m. cellphone alarm ─ at which point I rose, feeling racked with joint and muscle aches, and wanting still more time in bed.

I have gotten rather eager now for that aspirin and the mug of instant coffee that washes it down.

We must have had further rain overnight, for everything outside was absolutely soggy.

It was at least 7:40 a.m. when I forced out the 10 slow full-range push-ups in the kitchen area before going out into the backyard and then the tool shed for my usual 15-minute exercise session ─ two pull-ups as a first set, and then five further sets of pull-ups and chin-ups of a mere single repetition in each set.

Then the squat work to strengthen my damaged right knee and quadriceps.

Once back in the house I got together my day's first fairly light meal, and then I ate it here at my bedside computer.

My younger brother never emerged from his bedroom until nigh 9:50 a.m., by which time I was most of the way through an 18-minute (18:21) video uploaded earlier today to YouTube's Moose on the Loose channel: Mark Carney Announces New Pipeline... With a Massive Catch.

Next I tried a 33-minute (33:21) video uploaded earlier today to Rumble's Megyn Kelly On Rumble channel: Restored Republic via a GCR Update as of July 5, 2026 - Judy Byington. However, I only required a minute at most to cancel right out of it because of how much I despise A.I. narration, especially when it mispronounces certain words so damned annoyingly.

I do the same at YouTube. A lot of wildlife videos use horrible A.I. narration, and now it has come to the point where no matter how much the video might be interesting, I just cannot bear hearing the narration, so I shut the useless things right down now. I am merciless that way.  

I chose entertainment after this, tuning in Juliet Bravo ─ episode 15 ("The Anastasia Syndrome") of the first season (or series). My source had been uploaded January 4 earlier this year to YouTube's Mister Range. channel: Juliet Bravo-The Anastasia Syndrome.

We enjoy these older British police dramas.

We were to finish up with a movie, but due to my brother's preoccupation with laundering, he asked that I save what remained, and we'll watch the second half or so in a day or two. I had the movie downloaded onto a thumb or flash drive, so that will not be an issue.

I wasn't to bed for my nap until just past 1 p.m., and was only abed for maybe 50 minutes. By then my wife was home and busy cooking downstairs. She would be leaving very soon past 3 p.m. because she was scheduled to work the latter part of today at the Thai restaurant where she is employed part-time.

While she was here, she gave me $500 and asked that I transfer the same amount online to her email address ─ I expect that she likely intends to send most or even all of it to her mother over in Thailand.

But now more than ever I must get money deposited into our chequing account because it is hundreds of dollars short of the property taxes that were paid by cheque yesterday. I hate having to do this, but very early tomorrow I will have to make the two-mile round trip hobble to my financial institution's nearest ATM and deposit $1,000 in cash.

I'll be able to have enough money in the account then for when the cheque gets negotiated, but it is going to be a stretch to have the next mortgage payment next Thursday covered.

This is demoralizing, having to constantly worry about my financial plight. I have no idea how I am to come up with the nearly $300 minimum payment for a credit card that will have to be paid by around the end of the third week of this month.

Sometimes I wish I had no responsibilities to anyone but me and then I could just go somewhere and die.

Maybe I will take a break from this post now. I had a half hour of exercising in my wife's vacant bedroom, but now I am going to gather up my day's second and final meal before watching two or three T.V. shows here on my bedside computer so that I can do some drinking and escape my reality for a little while.

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With a can of Cariboo Malt (7.9% alcohol) to hand, I tuned in FBI ─ episode eight ("Ratlined") of season eight. My source was at GOOJARA.to.

It was a good episode, even if it never touched me emotionally. And it was done by 6:15 p.m.

My second show will be the tops of my viewing, for it was excitement right from the start. I am referring to Teen Wolf ─ episode seven ("Night School") of the first season. My source was at CineGo.co.

Yes, this was truly entertaining, and more along what I most enjoy. However, even it failed to affect my emotions, despite a second can of beer. And it was done by 7:07 p.m.

I then took a break to spend the 15 or so minutes that it takes for me to brush my teeth before I watched anything further.  

Although I might not rate my third show any higher than the FBI episode, darned if it didn't cause my eyes to burn at the conclusion. I'm speaking of FBI: Most Wanted ─ episode 13 ("Greek Tragedy") of season six. My source was at GOOJARA.to.

What caught me is that Agent Hana Gibson does not biologically appeal to me at all, but when she offered to stand with her rather failed Air Marshal (ex-)boyfriend Ethan who confessed his addiction to pain killers, it struck me that similar sacrificial support from someone like her would hit me deeply.

The show was over by 8:39 p.m. 

Regardless, I had broached my unopened four-litre box of Sommet Rough red wine (12% alcohol) and enjoyed it through the show, but I am still keenly worried about how I am going to get through this month with two mortgage payments that will strike before my monthly pension shows up towards month's end.

I don't care to be making that ATM deposit tomorrow morning on what I believe is the true Sabbath, but I have no idea if banks transact business on Saturdays ─ they're open, so are Saturdays now banking business days? There might be an attempt to negotiate my cheque for the property taxes, and thus I feel I cannot dare await Monday.

Why does God not openly answer a lifetime of pleas and make desperate acts like this unnecessary? Why cannot I be freed from my dependence upon State and my familial financial responsibilities that have me in such monstrous debt?

I was going to watch a sitcom, but I must not risk sitting up late this evening if I am to try and rise at 3 a.m. and later get away on that monstrous deposit errand. Since it is already 9:27 p.m., I had best just start slowly shutting down everything that I have open on my computer, and then get to bed.