I was quite looking forward fairly early last evening to enjoying a beer and a good T.V. show, but just before I had anything tuned in, I noticed my younger brother arriving home from wherever he had been drinking since maybe 1 p.m. earlier that afternoon.
It was no more than 8:10 p.m.
Deeply annoyed, I shut down the Android TV Box and the T.V., and turned on the stereo before coming upstairs here to my computer to kill some time ─ it was too early to be trying to nap away the latter evening.
I managed to kill off some time until shortly before 9 p.m., and then I sought that bed rest to nap as much as I could and wait for my brother to retire for the night. He was already passed out in his chair downstairs in front of the T.V.
I was comfortable enough in bed, and managed a few stretches of naps. In fact, it was actually something like 1:08 a.m. when I checked the time and got up to commence my several overnight hours of some computer work and whatever else I felt up to dealing with.
At one point ─ it was around 2:10 a.m. ─ I heard my wife arriving home. She had worked Friday at her friend's Thai restaurant, and no doubt got involved in some partying thereafter. Since she is under a driving suspension, she either got a ride home with a friend or else hired a ride.
She never bothered to address me once she was home, so I reciprocated and remained at work here until eventually she retired for the night. I was not to make my return to bed until after 5 a.m.
And there I remained until surprisingly close to 9:30 a.m.
My brother was downstairs undoubtedly drinking coffee and reading the Saturday morning edition of the Vancouver Sun that I subscribe to. I remained upstairs, figuring to venture down at some point after 10 a.m. and then put our Android TV Box into operation.
Unfortunately, he began watching T.V. before I had done so. Normally ─ as is the case Mondays through Fridays ─ he doesn't watch anything of much interest, bouncing between very old reruns and the two main Canadian news channels, so he welcomes my advent because he doesn't understand how to operate the Android TV Box.
But this morning he tuned in an episode of Superstore via Netflix Canada. Perhaps in doing so he did not realize that I would not be joining him ─ I had no interest in watching the show, and if he truly was interested in watching current programming, then I was going to leave him to entertain himself.
And so it was. I never did join him. In fact, we never even spoke a word to one another, and he finally returned to his bedroom around 12:30 p.m. to rest up before heading away for the afternoon to resume his daily drinking somewhere.
I spent the morning primarily here at my computer.
Interestingly, my wife rose and occupied the bathroom just before my brother sought his bedroom; it is now 12:35 p.m. and she is still within the bathroom, no doubt readying herself for the day.
I shall now take a break and allow the day to advance, for I have no idea what my wife has in mind. I am unaccustomed to having her home on Saturdays. When she was able to legally drive, she would generally spend her weekends elsewhere (such is our sorry marriage).
Well, it's approaching 9 p.m., and I've just had to vacate the T.V. because my drunk brother showed up to probably pass out at some point in front of the living room like he often does after making it home from the bar.
Yeah, I've got a couple of cans of strong (8% alcohol) beer under my belt myself, so that's inspiring some of my present mood, as has been an episode of The Last Kingdom that I watched earlier.
My wife left afoot well enough ahead of 3 p.m. this afternoon to catch a bus ─ probably to make her way in to Vancouver where she generally stays on weekends. She offered no explanations, and I sought none. I do not expect that she will be returning tonight.
My brother had already left prior to her departure.
Once my wife left, I needed a nap, so I had that. And then I thought that I would probably fritter away the remainder of the afternoon; but it suddenly occurred to me that I ought to redo my wife's income tax return and see how much I might be able to reduce the more than $1,500 that I discovered on Thursday that she apparently owes.
So I spent another 2½ hours burning out my bad eyes recalculating everything, and found that I made an egregious error NOT in our favour. We actually owe around $180 more than I calculated on Thursday.
It's as if God loves kicking me in the teeth!
Almost crushed, I have given up trying to work out by hand these damned tax returns that just get changed and more complicated every freaking, bloody year. I'm going to give one or two of those free Canada Revenue Agency-approved tax preparation software programmes a try and then NETFILE.
I've now spent anywhere from five to six hours on my wife's tax return alone ─ this is ludicrously insane. I burn out my eyes for absolutely nothing.
At this damned rate, I'll be mostly blind before I'm 80 (which will be in October 2029).
I can't even kill myself ─ I have too much financial responsibility to my family. I have actually begged God to work a miracle to allow me to rid us all of our debt and obligations, and in return I will not only rid the world of myself, I will even choose Eternal obliteration at Judgment.
I've never wanted a life of indolent and hedonistic luxury. I'm not into power ─ I've never wanted anything like that. I just wanted to be given access to the best nutrients and the most physique-enhancing tools to allow me to seek to perfect myself.
When I was young, my old friend Philip David Prince and I longed to live in a pristine world where we could exult in life on a Tarzan-like scale far removed from people, and to so live out our lives in as robust a fashion as might have ever been realized by two fleshly human beings.
But I am old now. I am not interested in living each day just physically surviving ─ even if it is on a scale more aptly described as thriving. I need more in my life than just having my physical needs like hunger, thirst, and so forth transcendentally met.
I need inner situmulus, and an ongoing sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.
But that is no longer possible. Not under my strength or ability, at any rate. I need God's miraculous hand.
Yet, he refuses. And I decay more and more inside ─ not just my body dies away in piecemeal fashion, but every facet of what comprises the inner man that I am degrades and suffers corruption.
I just want to non-exist. But I want to first know that I have seen my family lifted from the bondage of debt. What they may do thereafter is no longer my responsibility ─ I would just hope that they would have the sense and wisdom to never again be tempted to begin wading into the mire of credit debt.
Just provide me the miracle of deliverance from this vile state, and I will relinquish all that I am to extinguishment. I have so little will to live anymore ─ I will embrace oblivion for all time if only I can do so knowing that my family are provided for.
I have said enow for today. I must seek some latter evening slumber that I may be fortified to later rise and spend the usual several hours overnight working here at my computer on a few tasks.
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