Late last evening while seeking to log in some napping as I awaited my younger brother's retirement for the night so that I could rise and get some undisturbed work done here at my computer, even though my eyes were closed I experienced what I recognized to be the early stages of a migraine aura.
I had already dealt with just such an onset around mid-morning that I believe I had managed to subdue with eye exercises, intense and prolonged squeezing-closed of the eyes, and some massaging of the temples and eyebrow regions, all to best stimulate blood flow and circulation of whatever other fluids are crucial to the eyes.
But now I was experiencing a similar assault while lying in bed and trying to gain a little sleep. All I could do was attempt to relax as much as possible, but I was left with a vague eyestrain headache that seemed to mostly involve the area behind my left (and visually best) eye.
And so when I was later to rise in the midnight hour when I roused after some hard-won sleep and became aware that my brother had retired for the night, I was not feeling able to handle the intended task of supplying content into a new post I laid the foundation for three days ago at one of my two hosted websites.
Instead, I dealt with some other matters online; and then ─ ignoring the good sense to get back to bed for some proper sleep ─ I succumbed to depravity and sordidly dallied profitlessly at my computer until after the break of dawn.
Yes, believe it or not, even though I had been too visually impaired for me to feel that I could subject my weak and ailing eyes to working on that website, I still remained up staring at my computer's monitor until I was finally to haul myself off to bed in utter crushing defeat at 6:50 a.m.
I was tortured ─ and not just my eyes, but with the most intense self-loathing.
And when I finally was able to slip into sleep, when I later found myself too awake to sink into any more needed unconsciousness, a check of the time revealed that it was not too much after 10 a.m. ─ not very much more than three hours later.
Why is this my life? I am 71 years old ─ I need more than just this 'cell' that is my present existence. I remain locked up in my home because there is no peace and privacy out there. I do not drive, so I have nothing around me but vast miles and miles of traffic-laden roadways, homes and buildings, and of course masses of people ─ that one great bugbear to this lifelong social cripple who has longed since at least the age of 14 to be living in some remote and natural environment far removed from overdevelopment and populations. Somewhere in which I can move about outdoors freely at whim any time of the day, and never be seen by nor have to see another human being.
I have love for people, but it is a love that I need to be practiced remotely. I cannot soundly live drowning among seemingly endless throngs of them, cut off from the Nature I have loved since I was a young boy. My sanity and moral well-being are steadily declining or decaying ─ I am like some caged creature becoming more and more unnatural. Essentially, mad.
And I can do nothing about it. I am too deep into debt to remove from this prison that my home has become. I have family responsibilities ─ I am unable to 'run away'.
Yet I grow older, and ever less able and likely to rebound from my state if somehow a financial miracle was to be delivered unto me to make my freedom a reality. My viable time is running out ─ there will come that point where I will be too enfeebled to be able to effect my own physical, mental, and spiritual rehabilitation even if the tools are at last made available to me.
Those three states must work in concert ─ my physical enhancement is as important to me as a fleshly being as are those ethereal conditions or realms. I wish that it were not so. I wish that I did not need to eat ─ to consume the flesh of other living creatures in order to best meet my nutritional needs. But God has not made that possible for us.
I had a break from this post, and have since managed to better gather myself ─ I was rather shattered, frankly.
I watched some T.V. with my younger brother beginning around maybe 10:15 a.m., putting our Android TV Box into action to access previously downloaded videos that I have in a USB flash drive. Of particular note was The Sequel: The Fall of the Cabal part 2.
We had originally watched The Fall of the Cabal in its entirety ─ nearly three hours. That was a month or so ago. I have no desire to repeat that level of commitment, so watching the sequel in chapters is perfectly acceptable to me ─ and my brother, I am sure.
When I first began watching shows with him, I was feeling wretched ─ within and physically. However, the videos were sufficiently diverting that I gradually became more myself.
Around 1 p.m. my brother sought some bed rest before leaving quite early in the afternoon to eventually resume his drinking somewhere. I was dreadfully weary myself, and contemplated a needed nap. However, I had taken in absolutely no calories since last evening. Yet I had some backyard toolshed exercising scheduled ─ a nap seemed essential for me to endure those.
Happily, one of my delicious and very rich, hot caffeinated beverages supplied me with sufficient resources to handle the exercising, and I was then free to have a meal. But this was all after my brother had left for the afternoon. Only my eldest stepson was home ─ his younger brother had to go to work this morning. The younger lad was in fact up before I forsook my overnight iniquity and went back to bed following the advent of dawn this morning.
At the present it is not much after 7:30 p.m., and I am pondering an undertaking later this evening that I would rather not divulge in case I will be just 'wasting my breath' talking about it.
Well, scotch that! I just checked the destination's posted closing time ─ 10 p.m. It simply is not feasible, for it would take me an hour to walk there, which would mean that I would need to leave here around 8:30 p.m. if I wanted to ensure I would have adequate time to do the shopping I had in mind.
I needed the store to be open until at least 11 p.m.
Well, there is nothing for it but to resign myself to the venture early in the a.m. tomorrow, for the store opens at 7 a.m. At least the outing will have a far more peaceful element to it at that hour than heading away on a Saturday evening would have.
I had a short nap after that meal I spoke of, but I was not even in bed quite a full hour. I find myself hankering for a strong (8% alcohol) beer or two, so maybe I will bring this post to a close and see about remedying that desire along with some Android TV Box-derived television viewing.
I pray that I do not have more days in my future like today was. It seems to me to be abject cruelty that God will not deliver me from the fiscal plight that is largely behind this incarceration and the resultant deformation of my character. Truly ─ better I should have died many years ago.
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