Well, here it is, the day before my 70th birthday.
When I went out to my wife's car with her this morning as she was readying for her drive to work ─ it was around 10:00 a.m. ─ she observed that tomorrow was my birthday.
So I knew that she had not forgotten.
I confirmed to her that it was indeed my birthday, and offered that it might well be my last ─ I don't want another one.
I didn't explain anything by detailing that I do not want another if my life is still as it is and nothing has improved before then.
The debt that I have allowed her to sink us into is more than I care to continue to live with.
This was never supposed to have been the retirement life that I suffered working in the federal government to attain, barely refraining from bringing an end to myself ─ I withheld mostly because that distant barely discernible glimmer of freedom was always there.
As of this month, over $470 of my pension simply vanished.
Over $260 of that went off as an interest payment to a line of credit that my wife gambled away in a casino nearby where she works.
And more than $200 comes off each month on some life insurance policy that she has me on.
I can never get out of this. I am a pensioner, and have no other means of income ─ I would need to win a lottery to acquire any other money.
I am in this for however long is to be my life.
There are of course other credit debts, and the monthly house mortgage. It is impossible. But at least my wife's two employed sons (who live here scot-free) have thus far been reliable to cover the inevitable monthly shortfall come mortgage time.
My wife only works part-time at her friend's Thai restaurant ─ she has no other means.
She has texted me this early evening that she will only work half the day tomorrow ─ the restaurant normally closes at 3:00 p.m. daily for 1½ hours.
She said that she would come home in the latter afternoon and cook me a dinner for my birthday.
She also said that she hopes somehow I can loan her $5,000 soon so that she can repay some friends, and also pay (pay off?) a credit card.
She added that if I can't help, then it was okay. But she's "really" stressed.
The only means I have to come up with $5,000 would be through my VISA credit card.
Had she not blown through almost $45,000 of that line of credit I spoke of between last October and March of this year, that would have been available.
I guess I will have to try and explain to her tomorrow afternoon when she's home that beginning on Saturday ─ the day after my birthday ─ I am going to begin challenging myself with daily walks that I hope to build into ventures that compile quite a few miles at a go.
A complication is that I detest being out in the busy public, so I intend to only be abroad during the daylight hours on the weekends and holidays.
During the week, I would be off on these ventures in the very early and dark a.m. hours ─ not the safest of times to be out walking for miles at a time here in Surrey for a 70-year-old.
I have a tactical pen that I bought more than a year ago that I would try to use if my life was under imminent threat, but I ordered a combination "Self-Defense Flashlight and Stun Gun" just a few days ago that I did not realize was through a U.S. company.
Not only might it fail to get past Canada Customs, but the $49.95 and something over $15 for shipping converted out to just over $90 Canadian on my credit card.
Had I realized that the company was in the U.S., I would have instead made an order from a Canadian company for something called "the Incredible Stun Baton" priced at $59.99.
I don't see myself needing a flashlight, even if it could be wielded as a sort of baton in an emergency. I don't want the attention in the night that an illuminating flashlight would bring, so I am hardly going to be lighting my way with one.
But I didn't know.
Anyway, if you're curious just what the two companies I am speaking of are, here they are ─ the U.S. company is the first, obviously:
Since the flashlight / stun gun is being shipped from the States, even if it does make it here, I could have a considerable wait.
But the walks cannot wait.
Besides, one of the reasons I am undertaking them is that of risk-taking. I do not care to actually suicide, so what better way to potentially reduce my chances of reaching a 71st birthday?
I do not drive, so walking is all I have for locomotion.
Well, this post took a turn I did not plan. And now it is after 8:00 p.m., and my younger brother may be home at any point now from wherever it is that he ended up drinking.
I must soon gather up some supper. If my brother is too besotted, I will once more be getting to bed rather early in the evening.
By the way, both today and yesterday I have managed to perform a stationary plank for a little over 11 minutes.
I can barely believe that come tomorrow, I will be 70 years old.
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