I do not now recall the exact time I made it to bed last evening, but it was definitely ahead of 11:00 p.m. Nevertheless, this was still later than I would have desired. It is becoming an exceeding nuisance having my younger brother home every day due to the COVID-19 shutdowns of the bars he would otherwise be spending his time at.
He expects me to sit with him to operate our T9 Android 8.1 TV Box to locate episodes of the T.V. series we follow, for he doesn't understand its operation.
If I lived alone, my bedtime would be 8:00 p.m. or 9:00 p.m. on a daily basis.
His near omnipresence is also proving crippling for the occasional shopping expeditions I used to embark upon. I do not drive, so I have no choice but to walk. However, because I must walk, I feel almost 'second class' here in my own home, and so I only undertake these expeditions when neither he nor my two stepsons are privy to my intentions.
My two stepsons are easily enough avoided, for they spend most of their time in their den area. But my brother camps in the living room to watch as many as a dozen or more hours of T.V. a day. I have no hope of passing without him espying me and eliciting an explanation of my doings that I feel is no one's business.
So I remain housebound, almost a hostage to whatever is his routine or schedule because I am utterly unable to have one of my own.
I hoped to be able to rise early this morning and get away to do some grocery shopping, but it was not to be.
When I joined my brother around 8:00 p.m. last evening for T.V., I began to experience the development of a familiar disabling condition that visits me for up to as many as two days.
I cannot remember when I first ever experienced this malady, but I am quite sure that it has only begun in the recent couple of decades.
The basics of it are that one side of the lower part of the back of my head will begin undergoing periodic jabs of excruciating pain. The piercing sharp pain will strike two or three times in succession, and then abate for possibly as many as several minutes before making a resurgence.
On this occasion, it was the lower right side of my skull. It would feel nearly as if a sharp needle was being driven into that part of my head.
Not only would I wince from it, but oftentimes I will physically flinch helplessly and involuntarily.
On a cumulative basis, in time the recurring pain becomes oppressive. It wears me right down.
It can even alleviate to the point where it might not strike for many minutes.
I have no idea the cause, but it does seem to set in when I am especially underslept for too many successive days. Too, I have had occasion to wonder if it might also have its origin as an aftermath of straining too hard during exercising when I have overworked myself and not properly recovered from prior workouts.
I managed to gain some comfort from it overnight after getting to bed, but it would still strike at times.
I now cannot remember just when I rose in the a.m. to put work into the post I have on the go at one of my six hosted websites, but it may have been no later than 4:30 a.m. The plan was that I might still be able to manage to get away shopping awhile later.
Alas, no.
I got the work completed on the website post that I had targetted for accomplishment today, but by then I had become so victimized by the piercing jabs of pain that had become renewed with a ferocity because I was not lying in ease in my bed, that it essentially disabled me.
In my weariness and impotence to have relief, I found myself at one point in tears and futilely beseeching God over my hapless predicament. The one day a week when I have expectation of getting out to shop, and this has to become my lot.
So often I feel myself to be accursed of God. It is as if I am only meant to ever fail and to know but failure ─ never success and fulfilling achievement. Such states are for others to understand and enjoy.
Broken, I could do naught but betake myself back to bed ─ it may not have yet been 7:00 a.m.
And there I remained, convalescing, until well beyond 10:00 a.m., by which time I had vastly improved. And so it has been for the remainder of today, with but only the vaguest reminders that the condition might yet assert itself if I am not solicitous in its prevention.
Toward that end, I have had an excellent return to bed this early afternoon, further shoring up my recovery. I was in bed for possibly 80 minutes, and found myself so luxuriating in the simplicity of the comfort of being abed that it took me two or three minutes to finally rally myself enough to haul myself up to get dressed.
I think that I am out of the grasp of the affliction now, but I must be wary not to incur its return anytime soon.
The day has been overcast, so I have been unable to sun. If only I lived far removed from this overdeveloped and overpopulated area of Surrey, I could have at least gone on some long hike to benefit from exposure to the day.
But as in everything else relating to my life, God does not see fit to bless my labours online with even a hint of worthy remuneration, let alone one that is steady and might bring me from my crushing debt.
Likewise for any financial windfall. It seems that lottery and sweepstakes jackpots are intended for others to be favoured with. The more than 50 years in which I have sought for financial freedom through such means have been only years of fullest denial.
As I type these words it is approaching 4:30 p.m. Perhaps I will bring this post to a close and at least see if I can find some ease out in the backyard. I may have to wear a jacket, but some time spent seated out there may add to my well-being and get my thoughts removed from the failure that is my pointless and sorry life.
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