My younger brother evidently spent last night at the home of his girlfriend Bev, so he did not show up last evening. But of course, I would not have any certainty about this at the time, and I was probably to bed around 9 p.m. ─ definitely long before 10 p.m.
I slept reasonably well, for I was not awake enough to be curious on the time until it was just a couple or so minutes after 1 a.m. Although I had early-morning grocery shopping plans, after mulling over if I ought to risk rising as early as this, I decided that returning to sleep would take considerable time; and so I rose.
I could always get back to bed for a while later; for the present, I needed to put more content into a post I am working on at one of my six hosted websites.
There came a point where I decided to check my chequing account online, for I had done so on Friday and had less than $75 in the balance ─ my monthly pension had not as yet shown up. If it was still absent, then should I even risk shopping?
I was to find the balance unchanged.
This deflated me. Any shopping seemed untenable, for I would be unable to buy much by way of any 'high ticket' needs. In fact, this brought me so low that I had no motivation to even bother going on a walk. Instead, I decided to keep working on the website post.
Note that the store ─ the Save-On-Foods outlet (Google map) approximately 1¼ miles distant in Whalley ─ opens at 7 a.m., so I always do my best to arrive soon afterwards (I walk, for I do not drive).
It was at some point well after 4 a.m. that I began rehearsing some of my less expensive grocery essentials in the produce line ─ I needed carrots and fruit, for there was but one carrot left in the fridge, and maybe three apples. I could not go a week without these ─ I had to shop.
And if I managed my purchasing, I could ensure that my total came below what my chequing account balance would cover.
With that realization, enthusiasm for the venture began to rekindle. As well, I hated the prospect of not even having that much of a walk this weekend, for it was all I managed to engage last weekend. To postpone an outing of even such a minimal distance until next week was unconscionable ─ I am almost 71 years old, and I need to walk! It is a vital activity.
However, a new wrinkle presented itself just after 5 a.m. ─ I was burning out. I could not face the outing without some further bed rest.
Thus, by about 5:15 a.m., I was back in my bed, my alarm set for 5:45 a.m.
When it wounded, I had just managed to slip into some needed sleep. I did not want to rise. But I had to ... and I did. I would have time for a black instant coffee ─ such would not be breaking my intermittent fast.
It was 6:45 a.m. by the time I set off, and I was impressed by how dark the mornings are at this time now ─ it was not exactly night, but darned close. Even the crows would not yet have migrated to these parts from wherever it is that they disappear to in order to overnight ─ they can be annoying early in the morning, virtually everywhere, squawking at me throughout as I make my transit to wherever it is that I may be going.
I was to find that the numerous early-morning walkers I generally see on my early weekend shopping expeditions had been drastically reduced in numbers ─ it was so very welcome. I suppose that the rains we have been having since last weekend have dampened the enthusiasm of nearly all of them to be out into the dank wet gloom.
That so beautifully suits me, recluse that I am!
Anyway, I got my shopping done with probably something just under $20 in my account to spare, as it turned out. But I had concentrated my attention so fully on produce that both hands were bearing considerable weight on the homeward trek ─ all good, for it enhanced the exercise value of my walk, and would justify any skipping of later home exercise that I might engage in. I am not as rigorous about my home exercise when I have been challenged as I was this morning ─ I really did have quite a load to bear home.
There never was any rain, but everything out there was wet.
After arriving home, I remained up until after 9 a.m., and by then I had declined sufficiently anew that I again returned to bed. And I remained there until after 11 a.m., for I was definitely hungry but not yet able to take in nourishment due to my intermittent fast. The earliest that I would be able to break my fast would be after the arrival of 12:30 p.m., but I would prefer waiting until after 1:30 p.m.
Another black instant coffee was in order.
By the way, my brother had gotten home and was apparently having some bed rest when I emerged from my latter morning nap. However, he soon enough rose; and no later than 12:15 p.m. was bidding me farewell ─ he was already heading away for the afternoon to eventually resume his daily drinking somewhere.
I cannot conceive that he will be in any shape for me to find tolerable company this evening if he gets home before the unspoken 8:30 p.m. deadline that I have in place for him. Whenever he exceeds that point in time, I will not sit up and watch T.V. with him (I operate our Android TV Box to locate episodes of the T.V. series that we follow in common).
His failures to arrive home by 8:30 p.m. afford me the opportunities to get to bed early ─ something I far prefer to sitting up late.
Nevertheless, he may surprise me ─ he might not only be home ahead of 8:30 p.m., but be in tolerable condition. I can but wait and see.
My wife will most likely be showing up later this afternoon or early evening (it is 1:19 p.m. as I type these words) ─ she tends to spend her weekends somewhere in Vancouver. We do not have a robust marriage.
The day seems quite bright out there, although I cannot yet claim to have seen actual sunshine ─ that may be imminent, however. Anyway, I can now have my day's first meal, so I am going to go and prepare it. And as usual, I will need a postprandial nap.
So here I will break from this post.
It is now 4:50 p.m., and the afternoon did indeed grow very sunny at times, with great masses of cloud drifting about. I suppose that I could have sat outside to benefit from the sunshine, but I chose not to spend the time.
It would be far different if I lived somewhere remote from the populations surrounding me that make venturing anywhere during the day a trial as opposed to a pleasure. There is not a shred of solitude or peace out there on the busy streets and their sidewalks ─ stress is the rule.
Did I live somewhere remote from this reality of mine, I would walk daily for hours, striving to reflect and commune as deeply as possible in the hope of a rapprochement with the God who may have once loved my younger self, but who cares nothing for the ageing, miserable wretch that I have mutated into over the years.
However, that blessed peace and solitude would require a deliverance from the overwhelming debt that I have allowed my wife to steep me in ─ a debt that continues to mount and not diminish. I am evidently destined to die in this debt, riddled with the consuming foulness that is blotting my nature like the disease that it of course is.
I do not care for the trend this post is presently taking. So perhaps I will see about sitting outside, although I fear any sunshine may prove to have advanced beyond our backyard and now be bathing the front of our home ─ and I cannot sit out there. People...people...people.
Make no mistake ─ I have love for my fellows and humankind. But it is a love that is best appreciated from afar. Up close and with no true refuge from those so heavily populating my environs, I fester with the negativity that is born of feeling robbed at every turn of the serenity and calm that I have longed for since the advent of my troubled early teen years.
And now I am impotent in such a disheartening degree to do aught about my predicament that I cannot quell my resentment of self and everyone and everything keeping me in thralldom to this lifetime sentencing of house arrest here in my crushing debt. A country boy at heart, imprisoned in the City of Surrey where he has spent the majority of his life.
Yes, it is best that I cease blogging for today. Besides, naught has taken place here at home since my earlier entry ─ only my two stepsons and myself have been present in this time, and I have not had communication with anyone else.
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