Yes, there must have been something physiologically amiss with me yesterday ─ perhaps a systemic infection, maybe of bacterial origin. I found myself to feel normalized once more when I rose last night around 2:00 a.m. to being the necessary preliminary work for a new post I am planning at one of my six hosted websites.
I had gotten to bed last evening somewhat ahead of 10:00 p.m. Although my younger brother had arrived home around 8:00 p.m. that evening from wherever it was that he had been drinking, he was clearly drunk.
I risked putting our T9 Android 8.1 TV Box to use, figuring that we would watch an episode each of three of the T.V. series that we follow, but toward the finish of the first episode ─ of which my drunken brother had been paying scant heed ─ I realized that he was unconscious, his chin sunk low on his chest.
The episode was nigh done, so I risked that he would remain oblivious through to its conclusion and beyond, and I could then just turn off the Amazon TV Box, switch the T.V. over to its basic cable programming, and then I could have myself an early evening of things.
As I was making the transition to basic cable, my brother in his drunkenness roused and attempted to dupe me with some idle commentary into believing that he had been alert the entire while, but I would have none of it. I resolutely headed for the stairs and came up them here to my computer.
After a short time, I became suspicious as to why my brother had not yet tuned in something of more interest to him than the drama that was randomly on the T.V. station I had tuned in, for even when I had switched the T.V. to its basic cable programming, it was around 9:10 p.m. and the drama ─ whatever it was ─ could have held no involvement for him.
So I took a peek toward him downstairs, and it was clear that he was deeply unconscious ─ his head could not have been lower on his chest if his neck had been broken.
I saw no reason why he deserved to have his state shielded from one and all by keeping the T.V. running as if he was watching it, so I came downstairs and cautiously turned off the T.V. after first turning on the stereo with a very soft volume.
And there I left him to snore in his besotted state that he seems so often determined to embrace. Both of my stepsons were home, but they have been privy to my brother's display of alcoholism for a decade or more ─ seeing him snoring in this stupefied state that he had assumed is nothing even remotely rare to them.
I only managed to sleep in a few short 'bursts'. I could have risen at midnight, but I was still too ill prepared to be up as soon as that. I actually did rise to stroan, being careful in opening my bedroom door because I expected that my brother was still downstairs and into a 'second wind' with so much unconsciousness under his belt ─ he had been out of it until just before I had gotten into my bed.
But I found his bedroom door to be shut tight, and the room's light apparent from beneath the door.
I had my relief, and returned to my own bed for another hour. I would have remained abed longer, but the snatch of sleep that I was to enjoy after the bathroom visit was brief and I was again awake at 1:00 a.m., as I earlier reported. So I rose then.
I remained up until at least 4:45 a.m.
I managed some further sleep; then at nigh 9:00 a.m. I rose anew to commence my morning. My brother was stirring in his bedroom, as yet not having come forth from it. He and I have nothing similar in our patterns of bed rest.
As he usually does upon rising and going downstairs, he turned on the T.V., but I remained upstairs here at my computer. During the week, I do not typically join him until around 10:00 a.m. to put our Android TV Box into use.
I had a movie in mind for then ─ a 2013 feature titled The Pretty One. I had read enough to know that it was to be about the mousy sister of a set of twins who would survive a motor vehicle accident that would kill her successful and popular sister; but due to a make-over the successful sister had treated her drabber sister to, everyone assumed that it was the dominant sister who was the survivor ─ apparently the aftermath of the crash was that the sister who was killed was burned beyond any possibility of recognition.
My brother was initially contrary about the movie choice; and he even removed himself quite early into the feature to engage something else ─ it's one of his ways of demonstrating his unhappiness with whatever I have tuned in.
But upon the event of the vehicular accident in which the one sister was killed, he began to attend the movie, and I am sure that he got quite immersed into it.
I like actress Zoe Kazan ─ she looked especially attractive to me in this feature. Heck, she looked quite sexy, to be honest!
I found myself identifying hugely with Zoe's character ─ she assumed her sister's identity because she came to believe that nobody was missing her after her death in the accident. She never mattered to anyone ─ even her father upon whom she spent her life doting had absolutely nothing to say at her funeral when invited to speak for her by a priest.
I began to see myself as almost being a set of twin personalities. There is the well thought of me who is quite decent and kindly and loyal; and then there is the other me who is ─ quite frankly ─ little more than selfish garbage. And it is this latter me who seems to prevail.
This resonance that I felt for Zoe's character was very peculiar to experience, and much of it was a sensation or impression that I haven't the descriptive talent to convey or express. Because of what the movie invoked for me, I will rate the movie very highly. And I may well one day watch the movie anew.
Unfortunately, the keenly evocative reflection it generated within me has since faded and is now hard to tap back into ─ I expect that anon I will entirely lose the increasingly tenuous connection to this awareness of my own duality.
The movie made me feel pain and loss at the state of my marriage and the irrevocable impairment of my relationship with the wife I still do love. Only God can heal me of my failings and limitations and thereby allow me the means to elevate myself in the esteem of myself and of my wife.
But He makes clear that He has no such intention, and that neither me, nor my wife, nor my marriage matter a thing to Him.
The day has been one of rain, mainly, although I think that it may have stopped as I type these words late into the dying afternoon.
I have some exercising I want to do, so rather than continue this post in the despairing trend my mood has taken, I am going to bring it to a close.
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