It has been more than a week since I last watched any evening T.V. with my younger brother ─ he keeps failing to arrive home by 8:30 p.m. from wherever he has been drinking, and I will not become involved with him after that point in the evening.
So I was into bed early last evening, even though I did not easily find any sleep.
I had hopes of getting out early this morning to do some grocery shopping. I don't drive, so I have to walk.
Well, I was awake shortly after 1 a.m. and set to rise to put work into the post that is taking me wickedly long to complete at one of my six hosted websites. However, it occurred to me that I would not likely be going anywhere to shop by the time 6 a.m. arrived.
So I lay for some while sleeplessly in my bed before eventually rising regardless of the outcome.
I never did put any work into that post while I was up. Instead, I got mired in E-mails and related research.
Heck, I never even watered the front yard flower garden. I went out to do so just as the night was fading, but I discovered that the Saturday morning edition of the Vancouver Sun that I subscribe to had not yet arrived.
I had no desire to be out there when the delivery person showed up ─ I want nothing to do with anyone that early in my day.
So I forsook the chore, and at 5 a.m. returned to my bed to see if it was possible for me to sufficiently find restoration in the next hour that I might yet go shopping.
It was not to be. The decline was too severe.
And so I remained abed until after 8 a.m. ─ there would be no shopping, nor in fact walking. If I manage to go shopping in the early a.m. tomorrow, it will have been exactly two weeks since I last had such a walk. I am little more than a prisoner of my environment, and under house-arrest in my own home due to inescapable debt.
The newspaper never did arrive, by the way. My brother always reads it after he gets up Saturday mornings, so he had to settle for T.V.
I filed an online complaint of non-delivery to the newspaper, and was acknowledged with:
We are sorry for the inconvenience. Your complaint and credit has now been registered.I have a suspicion that the missing newspaper will show up tomorrow morning.
I do not normally watch daytime T.V. on weekends with my brother, but I almost broke that policy this morning. However, at 10 a.m. I saw that he had become involved with some reality show that seemed to involve a fishing trawler or something, so I left him to it.
He sought his usual midday bed rest well ahead of noon, so I took that opportunity to change into my gym-style shorts and before it was yet noon, I had begun just over 40 minutes sunning my back while I lay prone upon a pad on our backyard sundeck.
I was long done before my brother ever emerged from his bedroom. And soon, he took his leave to eventually start his drinking somewhere.
For at least the past two Saturdays, he has become involved with his girlfriend Bev and has ended up spending the night at her home. It would be a big benefit to me if he did so tonight as well, for I would be able to kick back and watch some T.V. while having a couple of beers.
However, I cannot know what he will do until after the fact, so it is not something I can plan.
I was to sun my front in the mid-afternoon, again spending just over 40 minutes ─ this time, sunk low into a deck- or lawn-chair with my bared feet on the grass.
The neighbours directly behind us have a large backyard barbecue party happening that at times reminded me of just how damned alone I am in my life as it slowly trickles away.
At the very least, I wish and pray that God would bestow the financial wherewithal that will allow me to square away all of my debts, and thereby free me of my responsibilites to one and all so that I can just get the hell far off from here and put an end to myself ─ if that's what I am expected to do.
What else is there for a 70-year-old loser?
I see where my trend is leading with this post, so I am going to call an early halt. Maybe some early T.V. and those beers are in order after all.
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